Only God

Thanks for all the prayers! I continue to be overwhelmed with the prayer and support I've received over the last week. I could not imagine getting through this without the love of my friends and family. It's quite humbling to have to depend on others. I can't be in the hospital and take care of Dalton, impossible. So I just have to accept the help and feel the love.
I've completed my first round in the hospital! Woo hoo. I got my port with no hitches and had a great experience, except for a little nausea. My surgeon was so sweet and wanted to make sure to do it without scars. He even asked where I wanted it. Monday I was admitted to Baptist and although it took five hours before starting the chemo, it was a good experience. I am quite the easy patient compared to everyone else. The nurse only has to come in to give my medicine and do vitals once or twice. Easy! I borrowed a cute set of pj's from Traci, so I felt almost like I was at home having a slumber party with Jack. Almost. :) I got some beautiful flowers from my mom and my old SICU co-workers came to visit with a fruit basket. My pregnant friend, Anna, was even brave enough to visit. I spent the time watching cable (! Jack and I found we are absolutely not missing anything), reading my new Kindle Mary Jane, Melanie, and Katy got me, and pouring over People magazines with the latest gossip (thanks to Katherine. They were even in order). The first night Kim and Mike brought Jet's pizza-my new favorite- and we had an official pizza party. I got to go home about 5 o'clock on Tuesday and came home to homemade beef stew from Katie. See how much my friends love me?! I'm not worthy.
So far the biggest side effect is being tired. I have never slept so much in my life. I've gone to bed every night at 7:30, right after Dalton, and take naps every day. I never take naps. Ever. I also have that general chemo feeling. It's hard to explain unless you've had it, but you just feel gross. Sick. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it. I got my blood drawn on Friday and should hear the result on Tuesday when I go to the office for my next chemo. Yesterday, I felt much better and right now I'm in McMinnville with Dalton and my in-laws for some R and R. Jack needed to do some more construction stuff and I felt it would be better to have help 24-7 and be out of the way.
I've been overwhelmed with all the well wishes and prayers. I want to return everyone's text/call/email, so if I don't right away, I will. If I forget, do it again. I'm trying not to pressure myself too much with overdoing it.
I know you also want to know how I'm really doing. I'm okay. Out of the gate, I hit the ground fighting. Once I heard, I didn't cry all day (I did a lot the day before) and just had this fighting mentality. The hospital was fine, got home, and once it all sunk in, it has been hard. There's just lots to come to grips with. We always had this scenario in the back of our mind and it's so strange that it's actually here. I'm actually being admitted for chemotherapy. I felt really sorry for myself for a day, but I am bouncing back. The thing I don't want to happen is to not be present in this suffering to hear what God has for me, if anything. I don't want to cling to busy things to get through it, but to experience it. This being said, I will have some bad days. I guess it just has to be a balance. Maybe I'll make a rule of feeling sorry for myself once a day and then narrow it down to once a week. When I say sorry for myself, I mostly mean being sad about the whole situation.
When I was in the hospital, Jack and I listened to a sermon from Tim Keller on the question of suffering. It was encouraging to hear. (You can find it on podcasts under Redeemer Presbyterian Church) It was exactly what I needed to hear from God at that moment. A couple things that struck me:
*to embrace and accept God's suffering for me and know that I may never know why. My purpose is to  stay in a relationship with a God I can't control. I can't control this situation at all and I can't control God.
*the only way you are going to love God for who he is and not what he gives is through suffering. That's what suffering is-he's taking away important things to me. My health. My dreams. My control. God is making me a "free lover". I love him for him, not the stuff he gives me. If this is true, suffering will drive me deeper to him and not the opposite.
*one big reason I can't handle suffering is because I believe Satan's lie. Deep down inside, I'm not sure if God truly loves me. (this hit a nerve. I always know because I start crying) I believe that if I trust God, he will crush me. We need proof God loves us and the way I can believe is to remember what Christ did for me. He is the true sufferer. He suffered for NOTHING. I got everything in return. I have to believe this and not Satan's lie.

I want to keep you all updated so I will try and come on here more frequently. If I don't, please call, text, or email. I want to hear from you and you aren't bothering me. Love you guys.