Update

I couldn't sleep last night. I was a nervous nelly. My dreams were extremely weird, too. Alligators, old presidents, robbers, jungles, headless popsicles...
But my levels today are 9! Under 10! Whoo hoo! I start my next treatment Monday and will check levels/blood work again on Thursday. Thank you for your prayers-I prayed for all of you while I was awake at 3 in the morning. I thought maybe God had a reason for waking me, so I prayed for you. Seriously, I went down the list of friends and prayed because you guys have been praying non-stop for me. It's humbling.
I got this prayer from my Aunt's church yesterday I wanted to share:
"Lord, we love you. You are our strength. You are our rock, our fortress, our protector. You are our place of refuge. We confess our unbelief and worry. Please help us to put our trust in You. Thank you for your guidance in these days of uncertainty and delivering me from all my fears. We ask all this according to Your will, knowing that your ways are high above our ways and that your grace is sufficient." I hope it encourages you as it did me.

a couple pics

Here's some pictures from Christmas. Dalton had fun playing with paper and boxes. We didn't really get him anything, except a whole lotta love! Ahh.

hahha. He has the same expression in all the pictures.  

This last picture is not Christmas but a very unfortunate event. This is Dalton's friend, Lilian. They have on the same shirt. Her's is a dress. Hate it when that happens, especially when it's the other gender.

Must haves

Hey, remember when I sent out that email to some of you to send out your favorite go-to weeknight dinners. Yeah, I sent you several recipes and hoped for maybe one or two from you guys. NO ONE RESPONDED. Denied. I felt like a looser. Am I making you feel bad? Good. (ha, just kidding. not really, I still need recipes)
I wanted to share a couple of my favorite kitchen tools and one non-kitchen related.
Lemon juicer. Must have! I love it because it's so easy and it catches all the seeds. Just cut lemon in half, put in juicer and there ya go.
Dressing emulsifier. I love this thing. It's got recipes for dressings on the side and it emulsifies the oil and vinegar with a pulse of the handle. $11 at Target.
Pastry scrapper. You are thinking right now "wow, cindi makes pastry, too?" I use this to pick up veggies and herbs, etc. that I chop. It makes it much easier to throw into your dish. I don't think I've used it to make pastry once.
Silpat- Non-stick sheet that can go in the oven. If you make scones on the mat, just slip it on your cookie sheet and place in the oven. No need to move the scones, they are already in the place they will cook. Same thing with cookies, calzones, pastry, caramels, etc. You never have to grease it and cleans extremely well.
Temporal Artery Thermometer- Yes, it works. 5 seconds. Worth it.

I'm still trying to love beets. Please send me your best beet recipe that will win me over. I tried roasting them with parsnips and carrots tonight. They were edible. Not the best, but I could stomach them. I tried them in my juice and it was not happening. Jack asked why won't I just not like them. I guess I pride myself on liking all foods, kind of like most people. I feel bad that I don't like you, beets. You look like your having so much fun with everyone. Living it up in salads, juices, cake, even. Plus, you are supposed to be healthy.

My chemo nurse gave me this recipe for kale and brussel sprout salad. It's delicious. I couldn't find tuscan kale, I just used the darker kind or use whatever is at Kroger. Just make sure you take out the middle rib. I also omitted the cheese for vegan purposes, but I'm sure it will kick it up a notch. Don't be scared. I wouldn't steer you wrong.

Ingredients

• 1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
• 2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
• 1 tablespoon minced shallot
• 1 small garlic clove, finely grated
• 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt plus more for seasoning
• Freshly ground black pepper
• 2 large bunches of Tuscan kale (about 1 1/2 lb. total), center stem discarded, leaves thinly sliced
• 12 ounces brussels sprouts, trimmed, finely grated or shredded with a knife
• 1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil, divided
• 1/3 cup almonds with skins, coarsely chopped (I used walnuts and pecans, too!)
• 1 cup finely grated Pecorino

Preparation

• Combine lemon juice, Dijon mustard, shallot, garlic, 1/2 tsp. salt, and a pinch of pepper in a small bowl. Stir to blend; set aside to let flavors meld. Mix thinly sliced kale and shredded brussels sprouts in a large bowl.
• Measure 1/2 cup oil into a cup. Spoon 1 Tbsp. oil from cup into a small skillet; heat oil over medium-high heat. Add almonds to skillet and stir frequently until golden brown in spots, about 2 minutes. Transfer nuts to a paper towel-lined plate. Sprinkle almonds lightly with salt.
• Slowly whisk remaining olive oil in cup into lemon-juice mixture. Season dressing to taste with salt and pepper. DO AHEAD Dressing, kale mixture, and toasted almonds can be prepared 8 hours ahead. Cover dressing and kale mixture separately and chill. Cover almonds and let stand at room temperature.
• Add dressing and cheese to kale mixture; toss to coat. Season lightly with salt and pepper. Garnish with almonds.
  
  This last recipe has one ingredient. One. Uno. And it's Vegan. And dessert. Are you ready?
  1 frozen banana.
  Puree in food processor until creamy consistency like ice cream. Yes, ice cream. Voila.
  You can top with whatever you chose. Honey, chocolate, caramel, coconut, peanut butter... but then again you may take away the healthiness of it. You might as well eat ice cream. But I promise, this is delicious! I eat it alone, with a spoon, and I am happy.

Las Vegas

Thought I would share a couple of pictures from our trip. Part getaway-part let's celebrate our 7 year anniversary, it was nice to leave our everyday crazy life for 4 days. We only gambled twice in slot machines. Yes, sad I know but we aren't gamblers. Jack likes to play poker and craps but it's kind of blah when your with your wife who doesn't really enjoy it.

so many things to take pictures of and we take this.

The classic take your own picture picture.

I swapped places with my 9 year-old self the next day on the way back. It was weird for Jack.

First day we walked around the strip to see the lights and ate in the Mirage at the BLT burger place. They had a falafel burger that ways okay, but the sweet potato fries were awesome. Their milk shakes looked insanely good. Too bad we were eating vegan. boo! Lame! hiss!
Saturday we attempted to go to the Stratosphere to ride the rides on the roof but it was too windy. Wish the cabby would have informed us this may have been a possibility before he took us there. "Something I could have known yesterday!" We had a nice walk back because the weather was great and we saw a tumbleweed blowing around with all the nudy cards. Let's take a moment to talk about these nudy cards. What the heck?! And they have this little flip system to hand them out. Girls in 20 minutes. Why is everyone pretending this is okay?!
That night we got to MGM early and walked around, then went to KA, a cirque du soleil show in the category of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It was amazing. I was extremely tired from the medication, but I perked up after about 20 minutes. Afterwards we went to a sushi restaurant, Shibuya, and cheated from our vegan diet. Our rolls were quite tasty and we got a Saki flyte since the place had the biggest collection of Saki in North America. Whoa, Cindi and Jack ate dinner at 9, then we watched the fountains at Bellagio (amazing!) and the volcano at Mirage (lame!). Watch out you crazy kids.
Sunday I was in a bad way so I slept for a long time (from the medicine, not saki. It wasn't that much!) and Jack picked up breakfast and lunch for us. That afternoon we went to the Titanic and bodies exhibit at the Luxor. The titantic always brings me back to '98 and my friend, Lish, and I are upstairs giggling about Leonardo DiCaprio with Celine Dion repeat. Our boyfriends, Jack and Ty, are downstairs not caring.
The exhibit was great-complete with realistic iceberg and an actual piece of the titantic wall. They give you a passport at the beginning of an actual person on the ship and at the end you find out if they made it. I got a little teary. But hey, I made it! Jack was not so lucky. "Jack! Jack! It's so cold, Jack"
Bodies was also amazing but Jack was not as excited. The fetal and circulation room was the best. I can't describe to you the emotion of the fetal room. Probably not the best idea for me to go in, but I'm glad I did. That room was powerful. Everyone should see it before and after having children. Or if you don't. The whole thing reminded me of nursing school and how much I love medicine. God is brilliant.
That night Jack and I decided to see another cirque du soleil show since we loved it so much. We saw O-this one in water majority of the time. The stage took something like 70 million dollars to build with a pool of water that changes constantly. We were annoyed by a pair of couples that wouldn't stop talking behind us. Then they went to the bathroom and came back with drinks, which they spilled. Nice. A family in front  of us ended up leaving early (what is with you people? are you made of money?) so we stole their seats.
Monday was our favorite day because we left Las Vegas and went to the Hoover Dam and Red Rock Canyon. We rented a car and drove to Bolder to take the Dam tour. Afterwards, we went to town and ate at a quaint restaurant with sidewalk seating. Sangria, oh yes I will! Next, we headed to Red Rock Canyon where they had lots of trails and a 13 mile sightseeing drive. I took us on a hike where I kind of lost the trail. After about 40 minutes we realized it and got back on track. Good thing I'm so quick to recover since it's the desert and all.
Overall, we had a great getaway. Lots of sleep and quality time. We won't be returning to Las Vegas ever-just not our bag. I said if I was God, I would get rid of it first. Jack said New Orleans. I dunno, I'd say I was right. Maybe just the US? Ha. I'm glad I'm not God for many reasons.

Celebrate good times, come on!

My levels today were 13.8! 
"Come again?!" Yes. 13. As in less than 20. I'm in shock and thankful. I can't believe it. I will get checked again next Thursday. Thank you for your continued prayers.
"I thank God for his gift that words cannot describe." 2 corinthians 9:15
You know I'm coming up with a themed zero party right now...

Ohhh

I forgot to update you- My doctor is pleased with my progress and we are continuing with the Actinomycin. My platelets are low, but this comes with the chemo. He said I just can't play rugby. So that's disappointing...  I will get my hcg levels again on Thursday.

Comparing

I promise I will stop quoting Bittersweet sooner than later. But here is a little nugget I thought was awesome.
I admit that it is so hard not to compare yourself to other people, especially as a woman to other women. I tell my clients all the time that it's just not fair to yourself to compare how you are doing to other moms. Even if you see them looking put together and their kid seems perfect, you are never seeing the whole story. I believe we need to help each other out and realize no one has it all together. No one. Every mom starts somewhere. Same thing with relationships with women in general. We all struggle at some point.
As women, our comparisons are stripping away our self-esteem and individuality. Here is the quote that I loved:
"She (my friend Nancy) told me that when you compare yourself to another person, you always lose, and at the same time the other person always loses, too. Each of us has been created by the hands of a holy God, and our stories and the twists and turns of our lives, the things that are hard for us, and the things that come naturally, are as unique to us an our own fingerprints. She told me that one way to ensure a miserable life is to constantly measure your own life by the lives of the people around you.
We slip into believing that it's better to strive for perfection than to accept and offer one another grace... God's grace, that allows me to fail and try again, that allows me to ask for help when i don't have the wisdom or patience I need, that reminds me we're not alone in this, and that God loves my son even more than I do... What has healed me more than anything else are the stories of other women who have experienced similar things."
One huge reason I write this blog is to reveal my weakness and hopefully portray transparency and encouragement to you. To let you know that it's okay to share our weakness and it even benefits us and others. Hey, it's still scary though to bare your soul, but I trust God will do something with it. I also trust my friends with my heart and want to be authentic. I'd hate to have others think I'm always put together.

She's a full on Monet

I'm enthralled with these Smörgåstårtas- sweedish sandwich cakes. They look like a cake. Your mind is thinking you are looking at a yummy cake. I'm so excited about cake, maybe ice cream, too. Oh no, it's not. It's a savory cake-cream cheese, bread, salmon, veggies. I haven't quite decided if I want to attempt this thing. It makes me think of this  

Dalton is 9 months!

This bay window has turned out to be a great place for Dalton to play (and Abby and Stella)

Don't worry. I didn't let him grab that knife.

I can't believe Dalton is 9 months, but then when I think of all the events that have happened this year, it makes sense. Poor guy has had two ear infections back to back, forced to stop drinking breast milk and then forced to try formula after formula only to end up on blah rice milk. There's nothing worse than watching your baby throw up. It's the worst. Up and down on the eczema, but we are getting there. He is allergic to milk, eggs, and soy. Oh and did I say dogs?! He's a walking bubble boy. I have to say he always smiles through it all. It's amazing.
He is making side steps with support, so I'm thinking walking may follow. That is the next step, right?
He kind of has started "throwing" the ball. This excites Jack and my dad. Their conversation went:
Dad- "Is he throwing left or right handed?"
Jack- "Left"
Dad-"Uh oh. Well, he probably won't be a quarterback. But that is good for baseball." This I'm fine with. I loved organized sports, just as long as I'm not playing them.
He also loves:
the dishwasher
pillows, couches, and beds. cracks him up.
Find mommy and daddy game-you may know this as peekaboo
The Foot Book by Dr Seuss
Opening and closing doors

PS. Does anyone have a child's helmet I can borrow?

Ecstatic!

Thrilled, joyful, overwhelmed, happy, blessed, blissful, elated, flying high, glad, intoxicated, tickled pink, over the moon, on cloud nine to tell you my levels were half today! Woo hoo (Yes, I looked up happy in the thesaurus). There aren't enough words to tell you how relieved we are. This is great news because it probably means this will continue to go down so I won't have to go to emaco-the 8 drug chemo. I will continue to do treatment next week and every other week until my levels are zero. Once it's zero, I will have two more rounds and then they will probably monitor my hcg for six months.
Thank you again for all of your prayers. Thankful. Thankful God chose to lower them and grateful.

Refreshed

I'm bustin' a cap in my tumor's arse

It's been great to have a week off from going to the doctor and going to Las Vegas with Jack certainly has left me refreshed. I felt ready to return to this tumor-as if it didn't go to Vegas with me- or real life. It was nice to sleep for 12 hours straight and lay in bed as long as I wanted. To get away was like getting away from reality for a couple of days. I'm also so proud of Jack for continuing to eat vegan with me. He doesn't have to and him doing has encouraged me. At dinner he asked me what it was like to have cancer, I asked him what it was like to be married to someone with it (we are so dramatic, aren't we?!). He said helpless.
I flew through the rest of Bittersweet by shauna niequist on the trip. There are so many morsels of goodness in this book. It's a great book to read when your going through a hard season or you are in a spot in your life you never thought you'd be. She talks a lot about a season of her life where she and her husband lost their jobs, moved and couldn't sell their house, had a molar pregnancy, and their marriage was suffering. This is one passage I loved:
"Heartbreak brings us to lots of places- to despair, to bitterness, to emptiness, to numbness, to isolation. But because God is just that good, if we allow the people who love us to walk with us right through the brokenness, it can also lead to a deep sense of God's presence. When things fall apart, the broken places allow all sorts of things to enter, and one of them is the presence of God. 
I believe deeply that God does his best work in our lives during times of great heartbreak and loss, and I believe that much of that rich work is done by the hands of people who love us, who dive into the wreckage with us and show us who God is, over and over and over."
I just got off the phone with my mom and she told me that I've helped other people in hard situations and now it's coming around to my turn. People want to help and love you.
Wow. I never thought of it that way. Maybe it's just my turn to have a hard time and receive kindness. I feel it's not my turn because I already receive so much kindness through good times. I'm feeling every bit of that love right now. I never thought I could except so much love from others, but you know what, I can. I have to and I'm humbled. In my continued weakness and doubt, my friends and family are reassuring, loving, and kind. I'm thankful that God is showing himself through them, I just hope I continue to realize that is where it is from.

Cross it off

One week down and it wasn't too bad. Last night was the first of the nausea. They all know me by name at the clinic and I've gotten to know the nurses well. The old ladies pretty much stay quiet and seeing all their husbands asleep in the waiting room is a hoot. They snore and talk in their sleep. Not kidding.
My sister went with me yesterday, which was so sweet and made me dinner. I'm eating vegan now, it's supposed to stop cancer cells from growing. Whatever I can do! I'm doing well on it and not missing the bad stuff too much. I did watch Top chef on Wednesday and they were doing barbecue in Austin at the Salt Lick. I've been there. It's amazing. You order "family style" and they bring brisket, sausage, pulled pork, cole slaw, beans, bread, and pickles. It made me want some brisket, white bread, and lots of barbecue sauce. Mmm. Anyhoo-my sister made me vegan mac and cheese. It was good. I'm teaching my family a lot about eating vegan. My mother-in-law asked me 10 times what I couldn't eat over the holidays. I tried to simplify it by saying anything with a mother or came from an animal with a mother.  It can still be confusing. :)
I'm very hopeful today. Maybe it's the weather or that we're going to Las Vegas this weekend, but God has given thanksgiving. I am very thankful for all that I have and I realize me seeing that is from him. I hope he continues to give it to me. I've chosen to read 1000 gifts while I get treatment and this is what I read today:
"We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks. Because how else do we accept His free gift of salvation if not with thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives. Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our Yes to His grace. Thanksgiving-giving thanks in everything-prepares the way that God might show us His fullest salvation in Christ. The act of sacrificing thank offerings to God-even for the bread and the cup of cost, for cancer and crucifixion-this prepares the way for God to show us his fullest salvation from bitter, angry, resentful lives and from all sin that estranges us from Him. Thanksgiving is what precedes the way for salvation's whole restoration." Praying to accept everything he gives with thanksgiving. He accepted death with thanks. I'm not so bad off.
I'm overwhelmed with the prayers and encouragement I'm receiving from my friends. Thank you for your love.
*posting this is Vegas. Lost my phone yesterday in the cab. Thanksgiving. Loud people next door kept us up. Thanksgiving. :) We are having a good time.

Dalton is really close to my heart

Excuse my freckles :). She gave me the choice of hair or no hair. Definitely hair. It's sticking up all the time-so cute!

Instead of getting one of those super cute necklaces with your kid's initial on it, I decided to get Dalton's profile instead. I had seen it in a magazine and looked on etsy for a cameo silhouette look on a necklace. I found several different ones, but decided on this one. Affordable and the perfect length. My mom got it for me for Christmas and I love it! It's been super comforting to have him there on my necklace while I'm away from him. The girl who did the necklace was wonderful-emailing me different proofs she made from his pictures I sent until it was perfect. She was great and she can do pets, too! Here's a link to her shop.
I've been having quite the ups and downs with God lately, as you can imagine. I've gotten a couple of books I'm reading that I'd like to share. Mary got me a book called "Bittersweet" that ironically, was authored by a woman who also had a molar pregnancy. I've also been reading "1000 Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It was my book club book a couple of months ago, but time got away from me and I wasn't able to get it. Since then several people have suggested it to me, but God knew I needed it just at this moment. I read something today that struck me as I was in the waiting room...
"When we are despairing, we can choose to live as Israelites gathering manna. For forty long years, God's people daily eat manna-a substance that literally means "What is it?" Hungry, they choose to gather up that which is baffling. They fill on that which has no meaning. More than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from that which they don't comprehend. They find soul-filling in the inexplicable. They eat the mystery. And the mystery, that which made no sense, is "like wafers of honey" on the lips."
I'm eating my manna and wrestling with what it all means. I have no idea what God is doing and frankly, I don't trust him. But it actually finally feels nice to question him for the first time. I  have to say I've never been angry or wondering if he could figure out my situation, but I am now. The other night when Dalton was itching like crazy, sleeping 30 minute intervals, and I was exhausted, I yelled at God for the first time ever. He's doing something. He has to be. I'm just trying to present in this nightmare, far from what I was doing earlier this year. Not looking into the future or past, but now.
Can you tell this is sort of my journal? Ha. Lucky you... and it's on the internet forever.

I take it back

Earlier in our marriage, I sometimes got annoyed with all of Jack's questions. If I tell him a story, I better have all the facts because he's going to want to know. I'm one to just tell an overall story and move on. Why all the details? This has come into great use with our recent events.
My doctor had not contacted me since all of tests and I had to call Tuesday for the lab results. His nurse called me the next day to ask if I wanted a PICC or a port. What?! Um, what? I quickly went through my brain about what I wanted and said PICC and she told me more details of what he wanted to do and side effects, etc. Well, I was a mess and Jack said nope, we have to meet with him first. I agreed. I was just so sidelined with all the nurses questions.
My doctor set up a time to meet with us and we met for about 30 minutes. Jack had a list of about 10 questions and drilled the guy. I'm so extremely thankful he's in my corner. I couldn't do it without him. He also gave him crap about having the nurse call me with the news. He said he figured 50/50 I'd want to talk to him since I'm a nurse. Cop out. I cringe when Jack is assertive in traffic situations, but in this case, I'm thankful.
Today I had my second infusion. It went well. Dizziness was still there, but not as bad. I met more ladies who come every week and their situation makes me thankful. Dalton is still in a bad way-he got an ear infection in his other ear now. We also have to switch from rice milk and it's not going so well. Last night felt like he was  newborn again. Poor guy. Oh, and he's 9 months today! I can't believe it. I fall in love with him more everyday. Since all this started I've become much more attached. He's been singing lately when he studies things. It's so cute.  I'll take a picture tomorrow when his poor red face gets better. I've got the idea for the month theme but it may take a little time to get it together.

Twilight zone

This blog is getting serious fast. I know some people squirm at that, so here is your warning.
Friday I got my PICC line and I got a fancy stretch cotton arm sleeve to go with it... so win, win. I was wondering because usually I had to charge my patients for it. Someone snuck me two for free. I won't name names. I came in with such a good attitude. I prepped myself to be patient, being I had seen many a PICC line inserted and failed to be in the right place, but usually did not take all day. My mom came with me and they admitted me (wait, what) and I watched the today show... 5th hour of today show... finally located the hgtv channel... read some of my new book "Bittersweet", would start to cry and went back to tv... sudoku and crosswords in the patient handbook took up some time... then I got the thing. I always told my patients, "oh, it doesn't hurt too bad". It did and it was sore for two days, so now I won't say that. My iv therapist was a hoot and finally after a couple of hiccups (not in the right place after placement, yada yada), I got out at 3pm. I didn't end on patience. At least it lasted until 1 o'clock.
Jack and I headed up to the cabin to celebrate christmas with his family. It was great to be with everyone and we laughed about my crazy PICC and my huge cover glove*. Everyone wanted to see it and I tried to hide it from the kids so it wouldn't scare them. I did have to wear a short sleeve shirt at one point and John Mac and Henry asked about it. "It's for medicine". Henry asked if I'd always had that.
Brandon led prayer for us yesterday before we left and it was great. This has definitely not happened in my family. I kept waining the whole weekend between being strong and becoming a ball of mush. The only time I did was in the dark falling asleep and when Brandon asked if they could pray for me.
The kids also prayed with us and Brandon asked them if they remembered what my disease was called. "cancer", he said. That was weird. I felt like he was talking about someone else. This whole explanation made me sad. Something about explaining this to kiddos was heart wrenching but I loved that they all were starring at me and saying they believed God answered prayers. I hope this is true.
*I have finally found a reason to go to the tracker supply. To buy these awesome gloves that farmers wear to deliver calves. They help keep my arm dry when I shower or get in the hot tub.
My first round went well today. Jack went with me and even though I wanted to stay home with Dalton and rip out this thing in my arm, I went anyways. I was mostly sad. I'm always the youngest girl there by 40 years and I feel looks of pity, it's probably just me. Jack wasn't able to come in the chemo room with me because of HIPPA, but I had several adorable old ladies with me. This works out well because I love old people. There's a room full of comfortable recliners, a TV, and magazines. We watched the Georgia/ Michigan State game and when Georgia took it back all the way to a touch down, I was the only one who was commenting. Overall, I felt fine with the treatment, just dizziness that went away afterwards.
Dalton is sick again and this has added even more stress. The unthinkable thing has happened, he's lost weight. I know, I know, this is hard to believe. Now I'm worried about that. Satan is certainly trying his best or God is ripping everything out of my hand to force me to give up. I think it's both.
But in the middle of all of it, God is giving me some glimmers of hope. Friends, laughter, the most amazing husband, a little boy I'm completely smitten about, and a coconut cookie. Yep.