Vulnerability

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.” Henri Nouwen **


“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” C.S. Lewis


I've been doing some grief work with myself lately. To be honest, I haven' t been honest with you on this blog. Yes, it's true I can put whatever I want on this blog: travel, pics, laughter, but I sometimes I don't put on here what I really want. Vulnerability is something hard for me, especially when I'm living it. I am feeling God is calling me to share for whatever reason, be it for myself or others. I've been hurting for the past year and a half and it's given me sometimes pain beyond belief and other times great strength. Since my molar pregnancy last year, I believe I have finally gotten to healing from my loss. I have to cut myself some slack because I would naturally ask myself why in the heck has it taken me this long, but I have to recall all the things I had to go through to get back to my healthy self (chemo, blah) and then I could start the process of grieving. 
I knew I was still grieving from the pain, but I just didn't realize how deep until my supervisor asked if I wanted to see pregnancy loss clients. I fell apart immediately by just her asking and I knew I needed to see someone to help me process the rest of my grief. I've been seeing a wonderful Counselor for the past several months and it has really helped me finish my walk through it. I have finally grasped that I can be *happy* and long at the same time. I do have that longing and I can get incredibly sad when I think about it or see others who have it. I also know that I am happy and love my life, heck, sometimes I see children and thank God I don't have them, yet :). It doesn't have to black or white, it can be both. 
Another thing I have learned is to give this baby the time of grieving it deserves. It deserves my attention, my tears, and love. I had to say hello before I could say goodbye. I am thankful God has given me this sweet time to grieve. I think the thing that finally helped me is to name the losses I've had (this could help in any loss, not just a miscarriage). I also wrote a letter to the baby. Writing this down on paper was really powerful and made me put to words what it was that I lost. I think it helped me turn a corner and feel healed. This doesn't mean I won't get sad, angry, fearful, or hurt, but my feels healed. 
Thanks for letting me share and I pray that I can help others  (friends and clients) get through this tough tough experience that tends to get overlooked. If anything it has caused me to really think about others pain around me in conversation and circumstance. I have so much more to say and share about this whole experience, but don't have the time. Woo, this was really hard for me to share... I almost want to not post it, but dang it, God wants me to.
I'm having a memorial ceremony on Saturday for the baby-a she, actually. I just had a feeling it would be a girl, even though I've always wanted a boy first. I named her, but I won't share for fear of someone else wanting the name or feeling weird if they ended up naming their girl the same name. I would love your prayers on Saturday. 
**The first quote is SO stinking true for those with any loss. I have to say thank you to those who sat with me in my grief and wasn't scared to ask questions. THANK YOU. Jack has especially been completely wonderful and it really has brought us closer. I am so thankful for him. 

Lost Finale

I was pretty happy with the Lost Finale overall. The second it ended I was like "wait. Wait? Oh!" Then came the processing. I couldn't sleep all night and I kept thinking about it all week.
The emotion was there in the whole episode and if it wasn't for the 7 other people in the room I would have been crying more. The "enlightenment's" was what got me, Sun and Jin, Sawyer and Juliet, got me the most. They answered some questions, but not all, and I am okay with that. I actually prefer it because if they gave me a stupid answer it would ruin it all. I like theorizing and love that they let us draw up some of our own conclusions. The only disappointments: no penny and Desmond reunion, although they had a couple of amazing ones in the past (on the phone?!) and too much Sayid and Shannon (my least favorite character), although I read someone explaining she excepted and loved him regardless of his past but I still don't like it. I am sad it is gone but so satisfied with the ending. I hope you were and for those who have never seen Lost, wait for the DVDs and watch! You won't be sorry. As for those who watched the last 30 minutes of the finale, never seeing an episode, shame on you. I won't name names. :)
Here are some pics from the party. It went great and people adhered to my no talking rule very nicely. (Although I did have to silence Jack a couple of times) I was Juliet, Jack was not Jack, but Ethan, Richard was Baby Aaron (hilarious!), Katie was Crazy Claire, Charlie-Charlie, Kate-Kate, and April as Kate. I made everyone a plane ticket in order to board the Lost Finale Plane, a worksheet with questions on Lost, and many themed foods: Smokey Beans, Good and Evil Brownies, Mr Clucks Chicken, Wild Boar (thanks, Katie), Sun's Garden Salad, Fish Biscuits, Hawaiian Fruit Salad (April), "Jin" & Tonics, and E"claire" cake.
**I did get permission from Baby Aaron to post his picture**