and so it goes

Levels today... 320! It's getting there... pray that I listen to what God is telling me. I was quite frustrated and upset today even though my levels are going down. I just am getting tired, I think it was the hour and a half wait for a 2 minute shot that got me started. I honestly just don't want to go back any more. I know I should be thankful for it going down but today I just am not. I am just tired of it. I think I want control over the situation and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can't make the nurses give it to me faster, I can't make it go to zero, and I can't go my schedule. This is the ugly truth of my day that I am angry because I'm tired, out of control, and scared. Maybe even untrusting. I pray I give up that control and let the Lord carry this through. Good days and bad days, this is definitely a bad one. And it's hard for me not to be the optimistic Cindi that I normally am and show this side of me, but here is my shame and pain. I'm thankful for it so I can know without a shadow of a doubt that I need the Lord. I need him. 

Keeps going down!

Today my levels were 960, so we are still going in the right direction. Thank you again for all of your prayers. I met with a friend yesterday who had had a miscarriage last year. It was so good to speak to someone who knows what I've been feeling and can really say they have been through it. One thing that she said really struck me. She said that God told her he wanted her to have another baby. She wasn't sure about it, but before she knew it she was pregnant. She knew that God had told her he wanted this and then she and her husband lost it. She said she was so angry at first, how could he tell her to get pregnant when he knew this would happen? Now, she can really see that he wanted her to have the experience. To be able to tell another woman, "I know what you are going through" and really mean it. 

Although God did not tell me specifically to try to get pregnant, Jack and I did pray about starting a new family and thought it was the right time. It is just different to look at it from the perspective that God allowed it but at the same time he knows the ending. He knew the pain I would feel and the exhaust. In some weird way, it makes it more comforting. Although I didn't hear from him directly, hearing her tell that story sort of allowed me to hear from him that it's okay, Cindi. I knew, I know, and I will always know what you are going through and give you what is best. Not sure if any of that makes since, but I heard the Lord through my friend yesterday. It was like he was speaking to me, directly. It wasn't the lesson of him trying to say that I can help others through this process-I get that and I do want that. I feel like a lot of things I've been through have helped other people. It was the emotional part of it. No thoughts or deep meaning. It was simply feeling the Lord say I care about you and it cutting into my heart.

It was also good to just talk about it again. I've been so busy that I haven't had time to remember the grieving part. Being so tied up in getting well and looking to the future has stopped me from looking at the past and the present. I am so thankful God pursued me to stop and listen to him. 

I heart dinner parties

Last night, my friend, Traci, hosted an Italian Dinner Party. Everyone was instructed to try an make an authentic Italian Dish. Everything was delicious. I made a couple appetizers- one, asparagus and prosciutto crostini with fonduta and two, Pecorino Romano with Apples and Fig Jam. I really like the Pecorino one, it was great with the combination of sweet, sour, and salty. The recipe, of course, was from Giada. Very easy and it was so good I did a review on foodnetwork. Here is the recipe, if you want to try it:

Pecorino Romano with Apples and Fig Jam

Ingredients

• 6 dried figs, halved
• 1/2 cup simple syrup, recipe follows
• 2 tablespoons brandy
• 1/4 cup chopped toasted hazelnuts
• 24 baguette slices
• Olive oil, for drizzling
• 1/2 cup grated Pecorino Romano
• 1 large apple (Granny Smith or Braeburn), thinly sliced into 24 slices
• 1/4 pound chunk Pecorino Romano, for shaving 24 pieces

Directions

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.

Place a small saucepan over medium heat. Add the figs, simple syrup, and brandy. Bring the mixture up to a simmer. Turn off the heat and let sit for 10 minutes. Place the fig mixture and the hazelnuts in a food processor and blend, pulsing a few times, until pureed. Set aside.

Place the baguette slices on a heavy baking sheet. Drizzle with olive oil. Top each slice with 1 teaspoon grated Pecorino Romano. Bake until the bread is toasted and the cheese is melted and golden, about 7 minutes.

Top each slice of toast with 2 teaspoons of fig jam, a slice of apple and a piece of shaved Pecorino Romano. Transfer the toasts to a serving platter and serve.

Simple syrup:

• 1/2 cup water
• 1 cup sugar

In a saucepan combine water and sugar over medium heat. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer for 5 minutes, until the sugar has dissolved. Take pan off heat and cool the syrup. Any extra cooled syrup can be saved in an airtight container in the refrigerator.

--The other recipe is great, too. I got it on epicurious, if you want it. You could almost make it into a side dish. I actually changed it and roasted the asparagus wrapped in prosciutto. Delish. So now, once a month someone will host the dinner and pick a different theme night. I believe I am doing Greek next month. So fun! 

--Several of you asked about my test, it was super hard! Really hard, so I really don't know how I did. I get results in 6 weeks. So now I just have a final and then it's graduation time-May 2nd! 

No more studying!

Hey guys, great news-my levels were half of last week's! So today they were roughly 1700. My doctor also said my uterus is getting closer to it's normal size, so everything is on the right track. I'm relived because I've noticed having a little more nausea lately and I was nervous it was a sign of them going back up, but I'm guessing it's just the medication! Anyways, I have a HUGE test on Saturday, April 18th at 8:30 so I need lots of prayer! 

Spring Swap

As my friends know, I love to throw theme parties and entertain in general, but it was time for another one! Today I had a swap brunch where you bring clothes, jewelry, or shoes you don't want and swap out with other girls. The left overs we took to Thrift Smart, which is a local place that gives their proceeds to Mercy Clinic and African Leadership. It was so fun. We had a TON of stuff. Everyone got great stuff and I took a car load to Thrift Smart-trunk and back seat full! For brunch, I made an asparagus frittata, whole wheat cinnamon rolls from Harvest Bakery (delicious!), fruit salsa with  cinnamon pita chips, and Bellini's (pom juice, oj, and prosecco). Such a great way to spend saturday morning with friends. Here's a few pics after the party (i forgot to take pictures when we had everything and everybody here, oops!) and some items I scored. I also got a rain jacket and a dress. Oh, and Katherine brought some awesome shoes that are 7's, so if anyone needs some cute shoes...

Last night, Jack and I saw Flight of the Conchords with some friends from church, Beth and Seth. It was great, although they didn't do rhymenoceros. 

Jack, the carpenter

Hey dudes (I like that word, dude. Especially when a girl uses it. Love that Budweiser "dude" commercial)- Got my third treatment today. My levels actually went up last week... I'm thinking the nurse was scared to tell me, but they went from 10,000 to 18,000 and today-da ta da na- 3000! I'm making progress! Next week is week 4 and I see my Doctor again. 

So here are pics of the kitchen cabinets I promised. Jack has done 4, which are supposedly the hardest ones b/c they are corner cabinets. They are just the frames because we are ordering the doors. He's doing such a good job! This is the part where I brag on my amazing husband: He is so talented and his little workshop is great. We had the garage built last year and he's slowly added to it. (He's so talented that I can pick something out of a magazine and he builds it! Woo hoo, now that is manly). 

More more more

My levels are slightly down from last week, so I received my second treatment today. It went well and will hope for next Tuesday for it to be a big fat zero! Thanks for all the prayers. Much Love. I will keep you updated.