Comfort by Song

Yesterday was my first chemo treatment. That is definitely weird to say. I am starting to really identify with my clients when I think about certain labels... depression, ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder... it's like the minute you put a label on something it's huge, that otherwise wouldn't be as big of a deal. I guess in a way it helps you realize the immensity of it for optimists, such as myself, but it also puts fear in you. You begin to associate so many things with that one label. Divorced, infertile, addict. It's not who you are, this isn't going to determine if I fail or succeed, or somehow become thrown into the pit of no return. I see this as an opportunity to challenge what you know and what you don't. I can see God working in this, I'm not exactly sure the main points he wants to make, but I have a general outline. 

So my doctor said my chest CT was seemingly normal. They did this because the mole will spread first to the lungs. He said there was a 3 mm spot, but it's nothing to worry about. He said usually it would be a lot more and if it was something, they would be treating it the same way. My ultrasound did show that there still was presence of debris there and I will get 7-8 treatments of Methotrexate (chemotherapy drug) until my hcg levels return to zero. Once they do we can stop treatment and they will just continue to monitor my levels for 6 months. If it doesn't, then they will go to another drug. The bad thing is that we can't start trying to get pregnant again until my levels are zero + 6 months, which is a bummer because we thought we already had one month behind us. But what's another month?! Prayer for zero. We want zero! 

I find much comfort in song. I really identify with certain lyrics and melodies completely cut into my soul. Jon Foreman's lyrics are so powerful. Here's another one of his songs that I am completely getting right now. Not just in this situation do I get it, but I have identified with it since I heard it. It's I am Still Running:

I had no idea the pain would be this strong

I had no idea the fight would last this long

In my darkest fears, the rights become the wrongs

I am still running, I am still running

Build me a home

Inside your scars

Build me a home

Inside your song

Build me a home

Inside your open arms

The only place I ever will belong.

On a lighter note, I am halfway through my practicum of seeing clients. I actually have most of my client hours and I walk in my graduation ceremony May 2nd! YAY.

Also, Jack is building our kitchen cabinets. I'll post some pictures next time.

It's in these times you learn the most

Update: I've continued to get my Beta Hcg levels for the past three weeks. The first two times they went down drastically: 272,000 before surgery, to 8,000 one week after and then 5000. Apparently my levels doubled this past week to 10,000. Now the plan is to get a low dose of chemotherapy. I also got a few tests and gave more blood. Tomorrow I go to the doctor so I'll give you more information then. Prayers are much needed. I am scared and tired. Please pray for strength by the Lord because I find myself wanting to just put this behind me when I know it is causing me pain and fear. My natural reaction is to try to act strong and go about life, while secretly I am confused and longing for rest and healing. I just have always been so healthy and it's boggling to me that this is holding me down. I almost feel like I'm mourning something besides the loss of a possible life. Thanks for the prayers. 

Your love is strong

Heavenly Father

 you always amaze me

Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life

You give me the food I need  

To live through the day 

And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation 

and deliver me from the evil one.

I look out the window 

and the birds are composing

Not a note is out of tune or out of place

I look at the meadow and stare at the flowers

Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry? Why do I freak out?

God knows what I need, you know what I  need.

Your love is, your love is, your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing

Invade my heart, invade this broken town

The kingdom of the heavens

Is buried treasure

Will you sell yourself to buy the one you found?

Two things you told me

That you are strong and you love me

Yes, you love me

Your love is

Your love is

Your love is strong

Our God is heaven hallowed be thy name above all names

Your kingdom come

Your will be done

On earth as it is in heaven

Give us today our daily bread

Forgive us wicked sinners

Lead us far away from our vices

And deliver us from these prisons

Doing better

Surgery went well last Thursday and I have been feeling much better. I have some nausea here and there, but overall I feel MUCH better than last week. I can actually go about daily activities and it is so nice that God has delivered me from the physical pain. Of course there is still pain about having to wait for 6 months, but I still know God is faithful. He has always been and I believe he will be. There are so many times where I can see the benefits and goodness of his timing and not mine. I wish my mind could translate this to my heart...

update

I found out today that I have a molar pregnancy and I will be having a D and C on Thursday, February 26th. If you are not familiar with this, here is a website that explains... http://www.webmd.com/baby/tc/molar-pregnancy-topic-overview Once I go through this, they will continue to take HcG levels and if they continue to go down, all is well. If they don't return to normal, I will have to have low doses of chemo. Hopefully the later will not happen, but if it does we will take it as it comes. The hardest part is hearing we won't be able to try again for 6 months. It's devastating but I guess it's just not our time right now.

I am not alone

 Thankfully, Jack was with me when we received the news that we are in the 12%. We are the 12% that have had a miscarriage. The hardest part was that we were just going for our first ob appointment at 8 weeks. We were just expecting a normal appointment, but got unexpected news. I can't describe the pain that goes through you when you realize that the excitement and hope that you thought was coming on September 24th, in fact will not be. All that was there, is gone. Excitement to tell your family and friends and the excitement of going through it together. Now, we were going through something totally different together. I am so thankful for Jack, for my family, and friends... words can't say how I, how we, have been supported. So many have said they want to do something, but really what is to be done? God has planned for this to happen. The pain must be met. I think that is what must happen now. The pain has to be confronted. I hope it does, even though I want nothing more than to run. To all of a sudden be back to Cindi, to stop crying, to stop feeling alone, but it's the process. What would I do without the Lord and Jack?! How would I survive? The pain is palpable. I think the thing I really am struggling with now is the physical pain. I just feel so bad and if that could cease I would at least have that strength to get up. It's not like me to be this off, turned off by crowds, conversation, from life. The Lord has had me here before and got me through. Only him, and he will do it again. I am super thankful for my friends, "friend" seems like a word that is not enough. Words like Martyrs or Saints come to mind. Why has God given me so many blessings? What made him chose me? How could he love me enough to be with me through it all and give me an angel beside me? I'm not sure, but it makes me praise him all the more. It makes me wait for the day to help another like me, by sharing my story. 

As you can tell from my sporadic post, my emotions are up and down. One minute I see hope, the next, despair. This post is not to bum you out, but it's mostly to let me vent and share with you. I long to include you in my life, because you include me in yours. I also believe in what God has promised me when I open myself up, I receive him. 

"As I have planned so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand." Is 14:24

"I remain out upon the deep, over seventy thousand fathoms of water, still preserving my faith" Kierkegaard (thank you, Lindz)

"The difficult road is the road of conversion, the conversion from loneliness into solitude. Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into a fruitful solitude. To live a spiritual life , we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. This requires not only courage, but also a strong faith. As hard as it is to believe that the dry, desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty. The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful sprit from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play." Henri Nouwen

grammy's

Some of you have asked why I haven't been blogging... well it's simple. I've been busy and lazy. I know, it's no excuse, but it's true. In addition to working, doing my practicum, and classes, I also have to watch Lost, The Bachelor, and The Office. I'll try to make no more excuses.

So I was watching the Grammy's and just wanted to comment. Please let me know your thoughts as well! Random thoughts, sorry.

So it started out with U2, which of course the performance was great, but I'm not so sure about their new song. I need more insight, I guess. Get on your boots. Your sexy boots. 

I loved that Jennifer Hudson won R&B and her performance was great. The choking up at the end got me. I'm surprised she sang that song because of the recent trauma she's experienced. I admit I like them to get choked up. It's a moment of vulnerability. It's also good tv.

JT and Al green were  entertaining, especially with Keith on the guitar. And Nicole, don't think I didn't see you out in the audience looking all beautiful. Stop hiding from me in Nashville and see me already! ( I promise I'm not a stalker)

Coldplay. What can you say? They are freakin' amazing. 

Carrie U, stop wearing those pageant outfits. Your guitar chick was awesome. I want to be that bad-ass.

I'm all for helping the kids out, but why did Stevie Wonder sing with the Jonas Brothers? Did his label make him? A couple of the Jonas Brothers got a little too carried away with the vocals. I have to admit I don't listen to any of their music so I can't cast judgement. 

I was thrilled to see Alison and Robert won duo, I love that album and I have always adored Alison. She seemed a little sad and I thought it was weird she didn't thank anyone. Did she have a falling out with Robert? Was she over winning since she's won the most grammy's out of anyone? Round two of awards she also didn't say a word and let that weird tall guy say some lame statement.

Mmm. 

Confused on Kid Rock... that sweet home alabama song gives me the willies every time I hear it. "smokin' funny things..." I always think of one of Jack's co-workers who said, "this is the best song ever!". Ever?! 

Katy Perry. Hmm. Wasn't impressed with the dancing in her usual one piece retro look, this time with fruit on it. For me, this is hard to appreciate. Lots of fluff, little substance.

Did anyone notice Natalie Cole's dress? Interesting. 

Adore Adele and I was so glad to see her win. Her sound is beautiful and classic. Her acceptance speech was so cute.

Comments on Sugarland? I think Jennifer has a good voice and her speech was funny and raw. I think sometimes she over sings... is it just me? 

I love Dave Grohl.

Radiohead was fantastic. I will put it as Gweneth did right before she winked at Chris in the audience, "the most influential, adventurous, and thoroughly artistic groups of all time... the udderlly brilliant Radiohead".  How cool would it be to be in the USC band and play with Radiohead? Now that's supporting the kids in the right way.

Now everybody...  Sweet Caroline, ba ba ba. Good times never seemed so good, so good so good... He's still got it! 

I would love to see my pregnant friends in such a mickey mouse outfit as MIA when 9 months pregnant. Impressive. I would also like them to lip sync a rap as well.

I'm glad to see Robin Thicke out besides on The Bachelor. 

I've always wondered what the musicians think about the other fellow musicians, especially while they are performing... like what does Trace Adkins think of TI, Jay Z, Kayne, and Lil' Wayne rapping "swagger like us"? What does Casting Crowns think of Katy Perry's "I kissed a Girl"? 

Third time was a charm. Allison spoke. She does like Robert and taught him to sing in straight lines instead of all that twirly stuff. ha. I wish it had been a tie between them and Radiohead, but all is well.