Comfort by Song

Yesterday was my first chemo treatment. That is definitely weird to say. I am starting to really identify with my clients when I think about certain labels... depression, ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder... it's like the minute you put a label on something it's huge, that otherwise wouldn't be as big of a deal. I guess in a way it helps you realize the immensity of it for optimists, such as myself, but it also puts fear in you. You begin to associate so many things with that one label. Divorced, infertile, addict. It's not who you are, this isn't going to determine if I fail or succeed, or somehow become thrown into the pit of no return. I see this as an opportunity to challenge what you know and what you don't. I can see God working in this, I'm not exactly sure the main points he wants to make, but I have a general outline. 

So my doctor said my chest CT was seemingly normal. They did this because the mole will spread first to the lungs. He said there was a 3 mm spot, but it's nothing to worry about. He said usually it would be a lot more and if it was something, they would be treating it the same way. My ultrasound did show that there still was presence of debris there and I will get 7-8 treatments of Methotrexate (chemotherapy drug) until my hcg levels return to zero. Once they do we can stop treatment and they will just continue to monitor my levels for 6 months. If it doesn't, then they will go to another drug. The bad thing is that we can't start trying to get pregnant again until my levels are zero + 6 months, which is a bummer because we thought we already had one month behind us. But what's another month?! Prayer for zero. We want zero! 

I find much comfort in song. I really identify with certain lyrics and melodies completely cut into my soul. Jon Foreman's lyrics are so powerful. Here's another one of his songs that I am completely getting right now. Not just in this situation do I get it, but I have identified with it since I heard it. It's I am Still Running:

I had no idea the pain would be this strong

I had no idea the fight would last this long

In my darkest fears, the rights become the wrongs

I am still running, I am still running

Build me a home

Inside your scars

Build me a home

Inside your song

Build me a home

Inside your open arms

The only place I ever will belong.

On a lighter note, I am halfway through my practicum of seeing clients. I actually have most of my client hours and I walk in my graduation ceremony May 2nd! YAY.

Also, Jack is building our kitchen cabinets. I'll post some pictures next time.