This is a long post

I'm sorry I haven't updated everyone on my levels. There are many reasons for this, one being just not wanting to disappoint or let you down (I didn't even tell my family for a couple months). Now I know this is utterly ridiculous since I have no control over my levels and if you supported me before, I'm sure you will support me again. I kinda felt like everyone was a little sick of hearing about it all and the word "levels". Ugh, I know I'm sick of hearing it. I also wanted to focus on Jack's back and making sure that was doing better. It has just been a hard personal journey, so I felt like a little space to deal with it. That makes no since at all. Anyways...
My levels have been rising slowly since March. They are low and not doubling. I've also been feeling great and not having any symptoms of a problem. My oncology nurse called on the week before I was supposed to go to every other week blood draws (doh!) and said they were up. Not much, but up. I was devastated. It completely hit me out of left field because I had absolutely no trouble last time once I hit zero. I kept it to myself, except Jack, and pretended it didn't happen. But then they kept going up and I was wondering why they didn't schedule me to go back to the hospital. After about a month in a half of this, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and this is what they know:
Basically, they will not repeat the actinomycin because they've been there and done that. Next, is figuring out if this is a persistent trophoblastic tumor/choriocarcinoma or just placental tissue that will resolve itself. The first option is about a 20% chance of occurring, the last is 80%. This is reassuring, but we have been pretty lucky in hitting the odds (I've hit several 0.01% chances). The way they are figuring all this out is through a lab in New Mexico, the only one in the US, with a specialist there. I sent off urine and blood for him a couple weeks ago. We were hoping to hear about it that week because he was going to be gone for 2 weeks. We did not hear before he left, so we are waiting to hear now in about a week. This was fine with me because Jack's surgery was the next week and I just wanted to focus on him. I could live in ignorant bliss a little bit longer.
You may be wondering what the next step will be after this. If it does come back as just placental tissue, the 80% chance, they will continue to monitor me for the next 18 months at the least. My doctor thinks it will resolve itself. There comes the next question of waiting for trying for another baby again and it will have to be at least 18 months. We were supposed to get the clear in July. When I heard this, I teared up a little, but God gave me strength that day to hear it and be comforted. No, it's not what I thought my timeline would look like to end all this, but I know he is in control. I rest in that and that alone. Not my emotions or my shallow idea of a family, but his all-knowing plan for our lives. It's still hard, but I have been mourning this for a while since all this occurred. I knew it would be a while, if ever at all.
The other scenario, the 20%, would be either more chemo or a hysterectomy. The other two of the three options I had before. I did the actinomycin and now they would do the 8-9 chemo treatment. If that doesn't work, then a hysterectomy. We are praying daily that this option is not the one.
Can you see why wasn't sure if I wanted to share all this?! It's so confusing and rare and scary to a lot of my friends and family. I just didn't want to worry anyone or answer a lot of questions that I didn't even know the answer to. In about a week I will know a lot more information and will promise to update you on it.
In the meantime I would love prayer for my health and my family. We've have been through a lot and are continuing to go through it. I would say I need prayer for strength to get through the day and to run to God for all of it. I've had "I asked the Lord" by Indelible Grace on repeat for about three weeks now because I identify with the writers pain and realization that God loves us perfectly. Even though his love looks like torture, it truly is not. He's inviting us in to be with him.
Can I say on a side note that when I looked up these lyrics that "I asked the Lord to kill my husband" popped up. Um, what?! I don't even want to know.

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He'd answer my request;
And by His loves constraining powr,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry powrs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou mayst find thy all in Me.

So long barn red. It's been horrible knowing you.

 Here's the house with the new coat of fresh paint. Goodbye Barn Red-sorry neighbors, I know you loved it. I'm almost done with the back, I've got a few touch ups to make. My dad and my father-in-law both came and helped me do the way up high in the back. I don't know what I would have done without them! Our neighbor also helped Jack put in our temporary sink and cleaned out our garage, that's love.  I've been painting during Dalton's naps and I almost there. I can't wait to see it with landscaping!
Jack is doing well! His surgery went great and his pain in his right leg is better. His surgeon did say his disc was in bad shape, so he may have to get a fusion in the future. We hope not. Thanks for the prayers. He can't pick up more than 10 lbs. which takes out the Daltonater. How do single moms do it?!   Thankful we only have one child right now-guess it turns out God does know what he's doing.  

Before, before

Before

Sorry for doubting you, neighbors.

Sunny view

Back view

This is not of the house, I just thought you'd like to see this adorable kid. My little Alfalfa. 

I finally finished the trim! It's White Dove from Benjamin Moore

"well now your back's gonna hurt because you just pulled landscaping duty"

We are busy painting the exterior of the house... surprise, Amherst Gray won (#2)! It was by one point. I honestly didn't want to use it and it made me pay for it. I saw a house in Westhaven (where my parents and in-laws live in Franklin) and loved the color. Jack tried to match it with a color wheel from Sherwin Williams. Link Gray. I also looked at the house, it was for sale, pretending I was interested to get the contractor to tell me the color. Jack was right! But on our house it looked nothing like Link Gray. It looked like smurf blue (I'm exaggerating). I was so stressed about the color I threatened to return to barn red. One day we just decided to go with the color our neighbors picked and we LOVE it! Pictures to come.
We would love prayer for Jack because he having surgery in the morning for a herniated and bulging disc. He's had a tremendous amount of nerve pain to where he can't sit for longer than 5 minutes. It's made it hard to do anything. Please pray the surgery goes well and it helps his pain and that he regains his strength back in his right leg.

Don't be fooled by his scary picture

I saw a tweet by Beth Moore that quoted Charles Spurgeon and it spoke to me. I decided to look up where the quote was from and it was taken from a sermon he made in 1856. The page it was on had this unfortunate picture that was a little scary, like out of that new movie with Daniel Radcliff (I have not seen it, just previews, but also looks unfortunate). I still read it and I'm so glad I did.
There were so many parts of the sermon that spoke to me, but here are a few. I would really encourage you to read it, only because God spoke to me what I needed through it. It is long, but worth it. I needed to be reminded I have the best wealth anyone could ever need or wish for at all times. Again, he turning me to thankfulness.
So the moral of the story is to get on twitter so God can speak to you. Ha. I kid, I kid.



"I say I have not a hope beyond that; there is not a promise beyond that; for all promises are couched in this, all hopes are included in this, "I will be their God." This is the master-piece of all promises; it is the top-stone of all the great and precious things, which God has provided for his children, "I will be their God." If we could really grasp it, if it could be applied to our soul and we could understand it, we might clap our hands and say, "Oh! the glory, oh! the glory, oh! the glory of that promise!" it makes a heaven below, and it must make a heaven above, for nothing else will be wanted but that, "I will be their God."


But how seldom do we ask counsel at the hands of the Lord! How often do we go about our business without asking his guidance! In our troubles how constantly do we strive to bear our burdens, instead of casting them upon the Lord, that he may sustain us! And this is not because we may not, for the Lord seems to say, "I am thine, soul, come and make use of me as thou wilt; thou mayest freely come to my store, and the oftener the better welcome." Have thou not a God lying by thee to no purpose; let not thy God be as other gods, serving only for a show: have not a name only that thou hast a God. Since he allows thee, having such a friend, use him daily. My God shall supply all your wants: never want whilst thou hast a God, never fear or faint whilst thou hast a God; go to thy treasure and take whatever thou needest; 

"To him in every trouble flee,
Thy best, thy only friend."
Fly to him, tell him all thy wants. Use him constantly by faith, at all times. Oh! I beseech thee, if some dark providence has come over thee, use thy God as a sun, for he is a sun."

Brilliant

Splashy splash

Yes, I have a habit of taking a word, adding a y, and repeating it. Drinky drink. Milky milk. Bath bath. That one I apparently think sounds better without the y. I have always said drinky drink but having Dalton has brought them out in full force. Splashy splash:

This water and sand table is a hit. I have a feeling I'll be getting it out a lot this summer.
I'm thinking water party

Please let the kid in

Even better when I have my neighbor friend over to help me splash

Coming along

Whoa... I just got side tracked from blogger's new format, back to what I was going to say-
The house finally got all the brick filled in from the white siding in front, the new kitchen window in back, and the former basement door. It already looks ten times better and we haven't even painted it!

Before

After-notice all the white siding is replaced with brick, including
under the small bathroom window.

Jack also placed the white trim around the deck

Before

After

I stained the deck and I think that will help me pick a paint color even more. Jack primed the horrible yellow columns and we've got to prep the trim for paint. Hopefully I (we) will pick a color soon and have it painted in the next few weeks. So far... #2 is winning. I'm not sure. I had a runner vote on 4 this morning. Oh well!