Dalton is 9 months!

This bay window has turned out to be a great place for Dalton to play (and Abby and Stella)

Don't worry. I didn't let him grab that knife.

I can't believe Dalton is 9 months, but then when I think of all the events that have happened this year, it makes sense. Poor guy has had two ear infections back to back, forced to stop drinking breast milk and then forced to try formula after formula only to end up on blah rice milk. There's nothing worse than watching your baby throw up. It's the worst. Up and down on the eczema, but we are getting there. He is allergic to milk, eggs, and soy. Oh and did I say dogs?! He's a walking bubble boy. I have to say he always smiles through it all. It's amazing.
He is making side steps with support, so I'm thinking walking may follow. That is the next step, right?
He kind of has started "throwing" the ball. This excites Jack and my dad. Their conversation went:
Dad- "Is he throwing left or right handed?"
Jack- "Left"
Dad-"Uh oh. Well, he probably won't be a quarterback. But that is good for baseball." This I'm fine with. I loved organized sports, just as long as I'm not playing them.
He also loves:
the dishwasher
pillows, couches, and beds. cracks him up.
Find mommy and daddy game-you may know this as peekaboo
The Foot Book by Dr Seuss
Opening and closing doors

PS. Does anyone have a child's helmet I can borrow?

Ecstatic!

Thrilled, joyful, overwhelmed, happy, blessed, blissful, elated, flying high, glad, intoxicated, tickled pink, over the moon, on cloud nine to tell you my levels were half today! Woo hoo (Yes, I looked up happy in the thesaurus). There aren't enough words to tell you how relieved we are. This is great news because it probably means this will continue to go down so I won't have to go to emaco-the 8 drug chemo. I will continue to do treatment next week and every other week until my levels are zero. Once it's zero, I will have two more rounds and then they will probably monitor my hcg for six months.
Thank you again for all of your prayers. Thankful. Thankful God chose to lower them and grateful.

Refreshed

I'm bustin' a cap in my tumor's arse

It's been great to have a week off from going to the doctor and going to Las Vegas with Jack certainly has left me refreshed. I felt ready to return to this tumor-as if it didn't go to Vegas with me- or real life. It was nice to sleep for 12 hours straight and lay in bed as long as I wanted. To get away was like getting away from reality for a couple of days. I'm also so proud of Jack for continuing to eat vegan with me. He doesn't have to and him doing has encouraged me. At dinner he asked me what it was like to have cancer, I asked him what it was like to be married to someone with it (we are so dramatic, aren't we?!). He said helpless.
I flew through the rest of Bittersweet by shauna niequist on the trip. There are so many morsels of goodness in this book. It's a great book to read when your going through a hard season or you are in a spot in your life you never thought you'd be. She talks a lot about a season of her life where she and her husband lost their jobs, moved and couldn't sell their house, had a molar pregnancy, and their marriage was suffering. This is one passage I loved:
"Heartbreak brings us to lots of places- to despair, to bitterness, to emptiness, to numbness, to isolation. But because God is just that good, if we allow the people who love us to walk with us right through the brokenness, it can also lead to a deep sense of God's presence. When things fall apart, the broken places allow all sorts of things to enter, and one of them is the presence of God. 
I believe deeply that God does his best work in our lives during times of great heartbreak and loss, and I believe that much of that rich work is done by the hands of people who love us, who dive into the wreckage with us and show us who God is, over and over and over."
I just got off the phone with my mom and she told me that I've helped other people in hard situations and now it's coming around to my turn. People want to help and love you.
Wow. I never thought of it that way. Maybe it's just my turn to have a hard time and receive kindness. I feel it's not my turn because I already receive so much kindness through good times. I'm feeling every bit of that love right now. I never thought I could except so much love from others, but you know what, I can. I have to and I'm humbled. In my continued weakness and doubt, my friends and family are reassuring, loving, and kind. I'm thankful that God is showing himself through them, I just hope I continue to realize that is where it is from.

Cross it off

One week down and it wasn't too bad. Last night was the first of the nausea. They all know me by name at the clinic and I've gotten to know the nurses well. The old ladies pretty much stay quiet and seeing all their husbands asleep in the waiting room is a hoot. They snore and talk in their sleep. Not kidding.
My sister went with me yesterday, which was so sweet and made me dinner. I'm eating vegan now, it's supposed to stop cancer cells from growing. Whatever I can do! I'm doing well on it and not missing the bad stuff too much. I did watch Top chef on Wednesday and they were doing barbecue in Austin at the Salt Lick. I've been there. It's amazing. You order "family style" and they bring brisket, sausage, pulled pork, cole slaw, beans, bread, and pickles. It made me want some brisket, white bread, and lots of barbecue sauce. Mmm. Anyhoo-my sister made me vegan mac and cheese. It was good. I'm teaching my family a lot about eating vegan. My mother-in-law asked me 10 times what I couldn't eat over the holidays. I tried to simplify it by saying anything with a mother or came from an animal with a mother.  It can still be confusing. :)
I'm very hopeful today. Maybe it's the weather or that we're going to Las Vegas this weekend, but God has given thanksgiving. I am very thankful for all that I have and I realize me seeing that is from him. I hope he continues to give it to me. I've chosen to read 1000 gifts while I get treatment and this is what I read today:
"We only enter into the full life if our faith gives thanks. Because how else do we accept His free gift of salvation if not with thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives. Thanksgiving is the manifestation of our Yes to His grace. Thanksgiving-giving thanks in everything-prepares the way that God might show us His fullest salvation in Christ. The act of sacrificing thank offerings to God-even for the bread and the cup of cost, for cancer and crucifixion-this prepares the way for God to show us his fullest salvation from bitter, angry, resentful lives and from all sin that estranges us from Him. Thanksgiving is what precedes the way for salvation's whole restoration." Praying to accept everything he gives with thanksgiving. He accepted death with thanks. I'm not so bad off.
I'm overwhelmed with the prayers and encouragement I'm receiving from my friends. Thank you for your love.
*posting this is Vegas. Lost my phone yesterday in the cab. Thanksgiving. Loud people next door kept us up. Thanksgiving. :) We are having a good time.

Dalton is really close to my heart

Excuse my freckles :). She gave me the choice of hair or no hair. Definitely hair. It's sticking up all the time-so cute!

Instead of getting one of those super cute necklaces with your kid's initial on it, I decided to get Dalton's profile instead. I had seen it in a magazine and looked on etsy for a cameo silhouette look on a necklace. I found several different ones, but decided on this one. Affordable and the perfect length. My mom got it for me for Christmas and I love it! It's been super comforting to have him there on my necklace while I'm away from him. The girl who did the necklace was wonderful-emailing me different proofs she made from his pictures I sent until it was perfect. She was great and she can do pets, too! Here's a link to her shop.
I've been having quite the ups and downs with God lately, as you can imagine. I've gotten a couple of books I'm reading that I'd like to share. Mary got me a book called "Bittersweet" that ironically, was authored by a woman who also had a molar pregnancy. I've also been reading "1000 Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It was my book club book a couple of months ago, but time got away from me and I wasn't able to get it. Since then several people have suggested it to me, but God knew I needed it just at this moment. I read something today that struck me as I was in the waiting room...
"When we are despairing, we can choose to live as Israelites gathering manna. For forty long years, God's people daily eat manna-a substance that literally means "What is it?" Hungry, they choose to gather up that which is baffling. They fill on that which has no meaning. More than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from that which they don't comprehend. They find soul-filling in the inexplicable. They eat the mystery. And the mystery, that which made no sense, is "like wafers of honey" on the lips."
I'm eating my manna and wrestling with what it all means. I have no idea what God is doing and frankly, I don't trust him. But it actually finally feels nice to question him for the first time. I  have to say I've never been angry or wondering if he could figure out my situation, but I am now. The other night when Dalton was itching like crazy, sleeping 30 minute intervals, and I was exhausted, I yelled at God for the first time ever. He's doing something. He has to be. I'm just trying to present in this nightmare, far from what I was doing earlier this year. Not looking into the future or past, but now.
Can you tell this is sort of my journal? Ha. Lucky you... and it's on the internet forever.

I take it back

Earlier in our marriage, I sometimes got annoyed with all of Jack's questions. If I tell him a story, I better have all the facts because he's going to want to know. I'm one to just tell an overall story and move on. Why all the details? This has come into great use with our recent events.
My doctor had not contacted me since all of tests and I had to call Tuesday for the lab results. His nurse called me the next day to ask if I wanted a PICC or a port. What?! Um, what? I quickly went through my brain about what I wanted and said PICC and she told me more details of what he wanted to do and side effects, etc. Well, I was a mess and Jack said nope, we have to meet with him first. I agreed. I was just so sidelined with all the nurses questions.
My doctor set up a time to meet with us and we met for about 30 minutes. Jack had a list of about 10 questions and drilled the guy. I'm so extremely thankful he's in my corner. I couldn't do it without him. He also gave him crap about having the nurse call me with the news. He said he figured 50/50 I'd want to talk to him since I'm a nurse. Cop out. I cringe when Jack is assertive in traffic situations, but in this case, I'm thankful.
Today I had my second infusion. It went well. Dizziness was still there, but not as bad. I met more ladies who come every week and their situation makes me thankful. Dalton is still in a bad way-he got an ear infection in his other ear now. We also have to switch from rice milk and it's not going so well. Last night felt like he was  newborn again. Poor guy. Oh, and he's 9 months today! I can't believe it. I fall in love with him more everyday. Since all this started I've become much more attached. He's been singing lately when he studies things. It's so cute.  I'll take a picture tomorrow when his poor red face gets better. I've got the idea for the month theme but it may take a little time to get it together.

Twilight zone

This blog is getting serious fast. I know some people squirm at that, so here is your warning.
Friday I got my PICC line and I got a fancy stretch cotton arm sleeve to go with it... so win, win. I was wondering because usually I had to charge my patients for it. Someone snuck me two for free. I won't name names. I came in with such a good attitude. I prepped myself to be patient, being I had seen many a PICC line inserted and failed to be in the right place, but usually did not take all day. My mom came with me and they admitted me (wait, what) and I watched the today show... 5th hour of today show... finally located the hgtv channel... read some of my new book "Bittersweet", would start to cry and went back to tv... sudoku and crosswords in the patient handbook took up some time... then I got the thing. I always told my patients, "oh, it doesn't hurt too bad". It did and it was sore for two days, so now I won't say that. My iv therapist was a hoot and finally after a couple of hiccups (not in the right place after placement, yada yada), I got out at 3pm. I didn't end on patience. At least it lasted until 1 o'clock.
Jack and I headed up to the cabin to celebrate christmas with his family. It was great to be with everyone and we laughed about my crazy PICC and my huge cover glove*. Everyone wanted to see it and I tried to hide it from the kids so it wouldn't scare them. I did have to wear a short sleeve shirt at one point and John Mac and Henry asked about it. "It's for medicine". Henry asked if I'd always had that.
Brandon led prayer for us yesterday before we left and it was great. This has definitely not happened in my family. I kept waining the whole weekend between being strong and becoming a ball of mush. The only time I did was in the dark falling asleep and when Brandon asked if they could pray for me.
The kids also prayed with us and Brandon asked them if they remembered what my disease was called. "cancer", he said. That was weird. I felt like he was talking about someone else. This whole explanation made me sad. Something about explaining this to kiddos was heart wrenching but I loved that they all were starring at me and saying they believed God answered prayers. I hope this is true.
*I have finally found a reason to go to the tracker supply. To buy these awesome gloves that farmers wear to deliver calves. They help keep my arm dry when I shower or get in the hot tub.
My first round went well today. Jack went with me and even though I wanted to stay home with Dalton and rip out this thing in my arm, I went anyways. I was mostly sad. I'm always the youngest girl there by 40 years and I feel looks of pity, it's probably just me. Jack wasn't able to come in the chemo room with me because of HIPPA, but I had several adorable old ladies with me. This works out well because I love old people. There's a room full of comfortable recliners, a TV, and magazines. We watched the Georgia/ Michigan State game and when Georgia took it back all the way to a touch down, I was the only one who was commenting. Overall, I felt fine with the treatment, just dizziness that went away afterwards.
Dalton is sick again and this has added even more stress. The unthinkable thing has happened, he's lost weight. I know, I know, this is hard to believe. Now I'm worried about that. Satan is certainly trying his best or God is ripping everything out of my hand to force me to give up. I think it's both.
But in the middle of all of it, God is giving me some glimmers of hope. Friends, laughter, the most amazing husband, a little boy I'm completely smitten about, and a coconut cookie. Yep.