I am not alone

 Thankfully, Jack was with me when we received the news that we are in the 12%. We are the 12% that have had a miscarriage. The hardest part was that we were just going for our first ob appointment at 8 weeks. We were just expecting a normal appointment, but got unexpected news. I can't describe the pain that goes through you when you realize that the excitement and hope that you thought was coming on September 24th, in fact will not be. All that was there, is gone. Excitement to tell your family and friends and the excitement of going through it together. Now, we were going through something totally different together. I am so thankful for Jack, for my family, and friends... words can't say how I, how we, have been supported. So many have said they want to do something, but really what is to be done? God has planned for this to happen. The pain must be met. I think that is what must happen now. The pain has to be confronted. I hope it does, even though I want nothing more than to run. To all of a sudden be back to Cindi, to stop crying, to stop feeling alone, but it's the process. What would I do without the Lord and Jack?! How would I survive? The pain is palpable. I think the thing I really am struggling with now is the physical pain. I just feel so bad and if that could cease I would at least have that strength to get up. It's not like me to be this off, turned off by crowds, conversation, from life. The Lord has had me here before and got me through. Only him, and he will do it again. I am super thankful for my friends, "friend" seems like a word that is not enough. Words like Martyrs or Saints come to mind. Why has God given me so many blessings? What made him chose me? How could he love me enough to be with me through it all and give me an angel beside me? I'm not sure, but it makes me praise him all the more. It makes me wait for the day to help another like me, by sharing my story. 

As you can tell from my sporadic post, my emotions are up and down. One minute I see hope, the next, despair. This post is not to bum you out, but it's mostly to let me vent and share with you. I long to include you in my life, because you include me in yours. I also believe in what God has promised me when I open myself up, I receive him. 

"As I have planned so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand." Is 14:24

"I remain out upon the deep, over seventy thousand fathoms of water, still preserving my faith" Kierkegaard (thank you, Lindz)

"The difficult road is the road of conversion, the conversion from loneliness into solitude. Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into a fruitful solitude. To live a spiritual life , we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. This requires not only courage, but also a strong faith. As hard as it is to believe that the dry, desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty. The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful sprit from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play." Henri Nouwen