Be still before the Lord...

I want to tell you about how God spoke to me personally yesterday. I also want you to know I tell you because you are my friends, I want to praise God appropriately, and to encourage you when you don't seem to hear from him. I hope it comes across that way.
I got my last blood draw of the year yesterday. At the beginning of the year, I got a long list of dates to come in and be monitored. December 9th was the last one on the list. I didn't necessarily know that this was the last one or just on this particular sheet of paper. When I called to tell them I would just draw my blood at work and send it, I also wanted to know what was the next move (I secretly was hoping he would release me, but didn't want to get too excited). The nurse said she would call me back... at work, I received the call that he would continue drawing my blood for the next year. Only every 6 months, so two more times. I sheepishly asked, "Does that mean we can't start trying for more kids yet?". She replied "no, you can't".
I was devastated. My heart ached. I hung up, tears streaming down my face and felt panic begin to rise in my chest. I went in the bathroom and started to cry.
I wasn't expecting this; another year of waiting.
I started to pray and talk myself through what I just read about in my bible that morning and asked God to help me do it: obey. Lord, you are good. Lord, you are in control. You are always good. It helped for a moment, but then my mind started to plan. Adoption? No money. Years to come by. Surrogate? How do I even figure out how to go about doing that? Will they let me? No, I need scripture. I have to stop planning and let him lead. I need to pull it together. I have a girl waiting for a pregnancy test. A pregnancy test.
The holy spirit told me to open my bible and I open immediately to Psalm 37. Not flipped, just opened it. This is what the Holy Spirit personally spoke to me:

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!" Psalm 37:3-7


By the way, it was also noonday. 12:49, to be exact. It was exactly what I needed to remind me He is in control, no matter what. He will act and to wait patiently. I have no idea how I can do it, but I don't have to because he will provide strength and direction.
I continued through the busy day, occasionally realizing that my work triggers emotions. This work requires lots of prayer, especially when it's dealing with exactly what you long for.
At some point I call the nurse back to ask to speak to my oncologist. It wasn't the original plan we talked about, so she said she would call me back, but it probably wouldn't be today. She called back at 5 and I missed it by one ring. I call, it's the answering service. She calls me again while I'm listening to the answering service.
She tells me that we can start trying to have a family. We don't have to wait. IT's over. The waiting is over, they will monitor two more times over the next year. That is it.
I weep and weep some more. My God did answer... in some ways 2 1/2 years later, in some ways, 4 hours later. Praise God. I still have no idea about the future and I'm not promised more children or long years of good health. What I am promised is that he will bring forth my righteousness, justice, and give me the desires of my heart. In the end, that is enough. And when I forget that, I will go back to this day of how God blatantly and intentionally answered my prayer. And he will again and again, in his perfect timing.
Sunday at church, we read through when Jesus is at the garden of gethsemane and it's first time he's been distressed and troubled. It wasn't when there were storms all around him or his friends dying, it was before facing separation from God when he was going to take on the sins of the world. This keeps striking me, that I can no longer fear men or the future. What I really should fear beyond anything is being apart from my God.
Thanks for letting me share my fears and sorrows... but mostly how our God is personal and powerful.